(PHOTO from Dh VanZan T)

Genesis 34.

The short of it. Jacob had a daughter named Dinah. Genesis 34 begins at the point where Dinah is of child-bearing age. (What that age is, I don’t know but since this is the Old Testament, I’m sure the age would make us vomit.) Apparently, Dinah goes out to visit the woman of the land. I am assuming while the men are out shaving goats and castrating sheep or themselves.

Two verses into the chapter I was introduced to a man named Shechem. I picture Shechem to be one of those guys in a TV show based in Miami; someone who is rich, powerful, and can “acquire” any woman he wants. According to the verse, he “violated” her. I don’t think there was an issue with whether or not Dinah consented to the consummation. I believe an issue arose because the two were not married. Verse three states that Shechem was stricken with her and threw down some Shakespearian rhymes in her ear.

Shechem didn’t know Dinah had a whole mess of brothers. Jacob learned of the details involving Dinah’s 21st century affair and wanted to avoid sharing the gossip with his sons. He knew his sons would surely break out there slings and rocks and kill Shechem. But the boys found out regardless. I’m sure this was the talk of the pasture.

Shechem’s father, Hamor, intervened and told Jacob of his sons love for Dinah. Obviously no one was more disgraced than Jacob, whose name would be defiled by his daughters actions. Hamor wanted to do some swapping. So he proposed a plan to give Jacob’s crew the daughters of the Hamor clan in return for the daughters of the Jacob clan. So, Jacob thought about it. After rubbing his chin and petting his goat, he began to barter with Hamor. Jacob agreed to Hamor’s offer, only on the condition that all the men of Hamor’s clan would get circumcised. Yeah, that’s right, circumcised. Fully grown men jumped at the chance to indulge in the women of Jacobs family, even though they had to hack at their members. After 3 days, all the men from the Hamor clan had been circumcised. (I wonder if they had someone whose vocation was the circumciser?)

But it was all a plan of revenge. Once all the men were a little lighter and hunched over, Jacobs sons, Simeon and Levi, went Kill Bill on the men with swords, killing them all. But Simeon and Levi weren’t finished with their revenge. They looted their possessions, took their livestock, and captured their woman and children. (You know you’re messing with a bad mofo when he waits to kill you until after you circumcise yourself and then steals your donkey.)

Jacob started stressing because he feared other clans would hear of these events and attack him. Simeon and Levi replied in a Clint Eastwood voice, “Should he (Shechem) have treated our sister like a prostitute!?!”